and 'space'.
Just to 'breathe'. "Breathe in to the .." someone said...
Not like that. Her world and lexicon.
Who am I and I dislike the 'I' word as I do believe there are many 'universals' to the human being. Be something 'special' and evolved, but still there are many root being things to us. Some do change over maybe 50 years of being on the planet. ( figured a good one a day ago).
One for me even if i think it was always core is what could be called 'grace' But that sounds earnest. earnest doesn't work.
this is simplest first notes for something. Not even the space and grace due situational matters - sat in hot sun engine running to charge the machines.
But grace is knowing who i did become. Halloween 2009 i met someone who was new start part of life so important for 6 months in truth. She was (bless her she had a terrible childhood) basically Lady Macbeth. And a brilliant actress. I was thrown to say the least. But I do not regret - i learned such deep lessons.
And she did unnecessary real harm, even perhaps to my child. Empathy means i know she simply could not be different. Yes she may have chosen that way to be, but i doubt she knew of other ways.
A deep topic that. Can we choose?
End of her except to me grace is: She caused true issues. Many would think 'never think of her for a second'. But one evening we were together (at that point very happy, even in 'love') in my super sweet old caravan in a sublime spot 'off grid'. And she berated me "dickhead... why don't you put the lid on the pan [being used to boil water] it will not waste your gas as it will boil more quickly".
I said i felt like a dickhead smilingly "proof i am thick i never developed that habit ...you are right"
Even today, on a small gas ring boiling water for my coffee i still most gracefully and enjoyably think of that moment as i always do when putting the lid on.... " hahhh... follow Lady Macbeth;s orders .....she had one gift for me at least i still benefit from.."
And in that moment to me is universal 'love' (still present now) - we did have some, nuclear sad mess prevailed (not our fault - external actors) i honour her spirit - the safe side (other sides were not i discovered later on) and even the love in that moment then 11 years ago we did mutually enjoy I honour, in grace.
SO ... another form of love which is always there.
Ralph and I. I cannot not think of his unique spirit always with me. That is me. I know it is the best love i have ever known. It never even went a little wonky.
(and also ... i have some photos about cheap living.... to me it is a joyful art....thrift... thrift to some is a lovely nuanced way of speaking it means homespun and never antagonistic..i thougt of this as i put on to my one ring some chicken sausages i had bought last night as they were knock down price... 80 percent off.... now i so rarely ever but sausages never mind meat....a bit now and again could live without it..... thrift means it was the kairos to have some sausages keep me going...sadly she i never forget also on our first cup of tea was so fundamentalist she became traumatised wehn we entered a small café - only one café in that village and she couldn't even handle smell of some bacon sizzling....balance methinks means not taking any of it to extremes... we had to leave)
I write. I have two modes a stream of consciousness poetical 'in the [creative writing] zone'. I like that. I can also write matter of fact.
My problem is i wish to do both. For a few months it has been more the latter in various arenas. One cannot write the prosaic simpler form and throw in (to entertain myself) the stream of consciousness. Ones reader will think one has gone nutjob.
But that is for another day. This must be of the latter variety and anyway is the project that around 4 years ago i set out to explore. That was a simple not personal look at how in rural fringe areas if anyone - unless they have inherited some big wedge, or sold up an expensive house down south, for a smallholding or even small farm existence to be viable, one does need over the medium term to be with a helpmeet. Or life partner.
Maybe at times one of the couple will need to be earning the full average wage in some ordinary job - ideally part time so they can also get healthy rebalancing via landwork and being in nature. One set of bills between two. Maybe one vehicle between two. And also when one or other is delayed or diverted " ...i shall not get back to water the tomatoes tonight just so as you know"
I decided this needs writing about in a simple form. So much self obsession ("MY...identity" and gifts are, and pesonality is... ) seems to be taking us away from that need for togetherness for general viability. THat idea was not my 'memoir' simply what i had observed in others over the years and juxtaposed with some realities from my own life. I have no taboos. Loneliness - i rarely suffer from is far far far too much a taboo. Is an unsayable word in my region and culture. All openness is good if one can... maybe work attitudes or attitudes in small rural communities precludes some openness, but it is an ideal I am sure.
And thus i shall doodle a little here.
Grace also means, half an hour ago my mobile phone made a noise. the noise it makes - rarely in my case, when a message is received. Grace means i do not need to look because in fact i think this is more important - just needs to be started and i am at the exact energy level and 'space' setting to do it, now. It is no neurotic need. It is simply good if we can try out some of our many year notions. Kairos is a great word. This moment in this now, here - actually next to a freshly mown hayfield (paradise) is it. Honour it. Nothing that came in on my phone will change my next hour here. Even if there is one message i would love to get ..now... nope... balance and grace do what maybe one has to do first...
In fact i have just lied to myself about something. Big scary word 'lie'. Not deliberate.
Being 'in the zone'. Funny thing is I am in my 'element'. Slightly struggling to keep 2 laptops charged and a phone and some dictaphones whilst trying to retain myself for writing.
But it is in the 'struggle' that in fact myself comes back. I needed to have a sentence that i never had until this moment now. Here, cooking, charging juggling - a kind of juggling i was long ago well practiced in.
Me - has to include a picture of my daughter. Why? i ask myself.... not out loud but it simply occurred in the 'zone' here and now. It is ancient history our life together. Because for 11 years - put into practice with her, all i wished for her above all was to indeed be able to live smallholding existence. Its good for you (rest of life it vaccinates in a way). And also having so many animals around - rescue hedgehogs to ponies and loads of ferrets and rabbits, you learn peace...peace in the presence of animals. That i also believe is a great thing to have inside which serves for a more resilient life - emotionally. The melodramas crises etc are less dangerous - less likely to spin you somewhere really bad for you, if you know you can always get an animal in your life once more because that was whom you were years ago. (that para needs an edit but yes that was my project).
And it links in to small farms, smallholdings homesteads, whatever ... if you do not learn and internalise some of it when you are young you never really do 'live' it even many years on. Smallholdings being viable. So, if it can be a child can learn and live that life so of course also they can replicate it years on for their kids ..is of course the absolute root of what my project was. I had forgotten that - so so much distraction and ego and fear in so many.
That is a noble project even if too late for me. In respect of another kid.
And thus she does belong here. Even if tis ancient history. But i start with Ralph as he gave me to me.
Hahh hahh transiting between two laptops (battery opt) .... bleedin best photos on other....so later it will be.
And then anyone new, no matter who. You forget. You get distracted. You forget the tools you found in language. I say i don't much like the word 'zen' - mainly as it was coopted by the crystal salespeople and healer obsessives. They all wear a 'uniform'.
I had come up with a new phrase a few years ago but it has only just come back - a distraction of late had kept it out of my mind. . I doubt it could be Miss Construed. The Zen of Kairos. Absolutely the now - it is time now... the zen and balance means it is time. Thats what kairos means. It was time - kairos, for some years not to be 'alive' fully. And for me it is time ...i think...time to be alive and maybe to take risks. That's being alive in a different way.
Too much opinion as i just want to upload fact.
more later
