Bit of a dodgy word - perhaps misunderstood - but one never wants to even hint at any critique of any individual. And i am not. There is a lovely time of life when you do not. No matter what. So let's not get stuck in that rabbit hole any more, ever.
But before one gets to so called 'happiness' there is just technical unhappiness - myself in balance let's just call it frustration: I would listen to a version of the above in 2004. A lot. It was where 'it' started, or maybe restarted. And unhappiness was all that at that time could be.
But if one met someone else and wanted to ask "so what do you think of this?" well, at least have a decent version - which is defined by firstly a good quality recording, and of that actual arrangement you did live inside for more than a year. And finding it again does not hurt. Ancient bleedin history.
Yes...it's the right one. I started to have the poise and grace to search it yesterday. So much 'choice' in youtube and so many imposters. And good old Nova Nova looks like they had the application; no app helps, they remembered," maybe we need to update with a better quality clip - we shared it with the world so let us be kindly and make sure they have a better version now we can give that away". They did. That is all i wish in my fellow human. Just a bit of propriety - when you have something so wonderful to share, well also keep up with the tech and see it is a good recording if you can.
It was of course wonderful to stumble upon his bringing it life in a new way, live but...2010 maybe i found him.13 years ago i guess the sound captured and upload techniques have improved. So be it. We can but do our best.
But what is 'life' - i seem to often get little proofs it is imaginary; One cannot live life entirely as if that is so. Indeed if 'touch' here is so effective at causing some real change (i write this on hugging-is-legal day even if we were hugging illegally all winter gone) how does one term the alive and pretend alive in one sentence which may be the actual deal - reality. Even if 'reality' is itself far too much a cage-word....
And so, life (the provisional word for the here and now)...
Never mind the time we - my daughter and I, found it together via finding her together i shall never forget that day because of our hilarious "oh lets gate-crash a party dad.... after all it's your birthday why not..."
The last party i would ever chose to attend. The new word 'woke' could have been invented for them, all.
But one...
So, then....we did not know what it was called. I had left just my cassette and MD copy .... and then the maybe good things of the internet come along i think it was shazam....
Of course i didn't need to know who they were
And she - that lass then may not ever know if she does remember the " M song" ..
Of course she would. Even now.
But life happens and from then 2004 via finding him maybe 2010 ...playing it live....
and then to another, a few years ago
" i really am ready to meet... that 'maker' or whomsoever this ringmistress with a dodgy sense of humour is.... lucky me i am truly lucky.... gratitude matters and i can say at last i know how it truly does feel inside if it is real...no confected gratitude to sound good...mine real.... and i think that is the one i would like to slip off to....or maybe have others chuck me in the compost to.... because it is of no one; no person is connected. Just a gift i came to alone. And knew.... maybe the perfect modern version of a sublime...and peace....and all is nothing really.... and should never really 'matter'.."
And to read anything more that i hope follows as i like to write - neutrally, of no one really, maybe one day 'to' someone who knows.... at least do me the bloody manners of having one or other of them on yer headphones...because i need a rhythm...i arrive at it now. And it is thus written to that rhythm...non stop, pure unknown muse power. or pure nutjob fool power...i don't care; i like it and it satisfies something in me.... but there will be other tunes too. Ditto
Anyway in short between 2004 and 2019ish when Tape / Parade said to me "thats all you need ever...no real emotion just peace" a fuck of a lot happened. Which is not what i wanted. It was never me. I only hope a version of 'me' that came to pass is some use to someone one day. As i do know it has some...
Of course it really started in 2003 in those High Mountains of Portugal... just me and her.
But that isn't fair, it started centuries ago in war and peace and war in half her ancestors' lands.... but that certainly isn't my fault. And i honour her other side's pain...I forgave entirely. I would like to tell her some day but sadly his guilt anger and angst would only find that an attack on his pride. So be it. I did my human best.
